Oh god, I’m going to hurl.

I’m afraid that I will get a zit on my face right before I leave for Sedona. I already have one, so it isn’t all that unrealistic. I’m afraid that I will get sick and be miserable while in Sedona. I’m afraid that my kids will cry for four days, that I will cry for four days, that the kids will never forgive me and that John will meet someone else while out with the children and leave me for her because she would never have the audacity to leave her kids for a vacation. I’m afraid that really, I am quite annoying to be around. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to sleep, that it will rain the whole time, that my hair really doesn’t look as cute as I think it does.

I also fear that my family will die in a horrible car crash while I am gone or become maimed in some way and I will be unreachable because my cell phone sucks a big bunch of donkey ass. I worry that one of my friends will die on the way here (sorry ladies) and I will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I no longer know how to be mature. I am pretty sure that I never really knew how to be mature.

I hope I don’t forget to pack my anxiety medication.

There is a real possibility that I have no idea how to complete thoughts anymore or that I can’t actually string sentences together without sounding a little like Woody Allen on meth. What if my eczema acts up? Or someone judges me because I just revealed that I have eczema? Oh dear god. What if…really…what if I am really only tolerated by the people around me and no one has actually had the balls to tell me that I am a horrible and uninteresting person?

What if I look fat? Seriously, what if I gain like, 10 pounds in 4 days and have low self esteem the entire time I am on vacation? What if I am the only one with cellulite? Sweet Jesus! I will be the only one with cellulite. I probably will be the only one with like, 17 bruises on my legs because I move too fast and always bang into things. I know that at least one woman that is coming still has abs, so already there’s that.

What if I get bitten by a rattle snake and we are so far from the nearest hospital that my legs turn black, paralyzed and fall off? It happens. I’m also afraid that I may drop my camera in the creek like John did the last time we were in Sedona. At least there is no risk of me also falling in while holding Luca which is what happened to John. What if Sedona gets hit with an epidemic and we all need to be quarantined? Wait. That may be fun, actually.

I suppose though, that the real question is, what happens if I don’t want to come back?

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8 Comments

Filed under Women and friendship.

8 responses to “Oh god, I’m going to hurl.

  1. Dennis

    Man, if that’s not an argument to drink I don’t know what is.

  2. YOU have ECZEMA?! What the heck. I thought we were friends.

    But really, even if you are the only one in Sedona with 17 bruises on your legs, just know that there is only one person in Eugene with a red triangle on her back because it was sunny today and she was outside for a half hour. She also ruined her second manicure ever within one day of getting it by using nail polish remover on her toes and smearing it all over her manicure in the process. And then she painted her toenails purple for Cortney’s wedding but didn’t let it dry long enough before she put her shoes on, so then it had sock fuzz on it for the ceremony. Basically I’m not meant to be a girl.

    I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time in Sedona – you deserve it. And your hair does look as cute as you think it does. Have fun! OH, and you’re freaking hilarious.

  3. Jenn

    As one of the attending women for this weekend that’s making you hurl, I thought it only fair that I reply where everyone can see it.
    With the exception of how the children will feel…since I don’t have any…I am clearly just as insane as you 🙂
    You will not be the only one with cellulite, I am sure of this. I will also have any number of bruises all over my body because I bruise easy, and I can be a klutz. I will not, however, be able to explain where any of them came from, even if they are 6 inches in diameter and screaming purple because my memory leaves something…um, what’s that saying?
    I also am afraid of gaining weight, looking fat, not being fun, not being funny and feeling totally inadequate overall.
    And, for my own special bit of madness, I’ve had a really hard year and what if, now that I’m getting away from all I know, I lose my shit and am a total buzz kill for everyone else.
    Ok, I now feel sufficiently naked having shared this.
    But what I really think is going to happen? We will laugh till our faces hurt, feel great, eat better and remember this weekend forever, in the best possible way.

  4. But don’t you feel better now? It’s like a purge…get it all out now so that it can’t own you later. It totally worked for me as long as I don’t actually think about the faces of my children watching me drive away. Then I feel like I am going to hurl.

  5. Athena

    OK you all pretty much said it all, with the exception of what if I get diarrhea and make the toilet overflow. I’m just saying, its more likely to happen to me – it would just happen to me.

  6. Mom

    Luca called me (Rowan was in the background and agreeing) to say that if you DON’T come back, all is well because he (and Rowan) will be happy living with Grandma. (John too, of course.——No need for a job—-We will support them all.) So have a great time, gather all rattlesnakes, work on that botulism, etc., and know that all is well…………..

  7. Karen

    Geez.. I hope you’re not waiting until you get to Sedona to take your meds! Just kidding! You are loved, you are beautiful, you are witty, funny and fun, you are loved! Have fun!

  8. maureen

    my husband thought I might’ve written this one….

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