Guest Post: Embarrassing Story #2

So this story is one to be savored. And I don’t mean that literally. Thank you anonymous person whose identity only I know and will relish knowing for the rest of my life…thank you.

I don’t embarrass easily. In order to make this story work, I need to do this thing in two parts.

Before we begin, I should say that my significant other is embarrassed by this story and therefore I wish to remain anonymous. For his or her sake.

Part I

 

We once moved from one place to another. We stayed with some friends on our way out of town, and the day happened to be a holiday where Americans typically drink. So we drank. And as it turned out, the people that I was with were much less interested in drinking the HUGE bottle of wine we had than I was. So I drank it all.

Then I went to bed. In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom. It was weird because I was in the bathroom before I had any idea why I was going there.

It soon became apparent that I was there in order to vomit profusely. Having never experienced food poisoning or the flu, I was unfamiliar with some of the side effects of violent chunk-blowing. As it turns out, a bowel release is a somewhat common occurrence, and one that I was in no way prepared for.

Yep, my pants were still on.

To make a long story short, there was some extensive clean up and we didn’t leave until 5 PM the next day.

Part II

 

Some time later, we visited some friends in a different city. We went out to a bar where they knew a bartender. Also, our friends were very good at drinking and very encouraging with regards to the drinking of others.

We sat at the bar and drank way too much. I also had such a variety of drinks that I still get nauseous when I think about it. I drank wine, beer, something with milk in it, shots, mixed drinks, etc. Disgusting.

The extravaganza was finished off by me doing three double shots of Jaegermeister in a row. (How am I still alive?)

I immediately went to the bathroom because I wanted to prepare for the inevitable. I went in and forced out as much poop as I could, because I knew vomiting was in my not-too-distant future.

As I left the bathroom area, I had to do an immediate U-turn around a partition to head back toward the bar and my people. This bathroom was in the now-closed restaurant section. I rounded the partition and the resulting spin was enough to send me reeling backward. I tried to catch myself, but all I did was send barstools – that were previously on top of tables – to the floor with me.

Since the alcohol affected my body before it affected my mind, I was fully aware of what had just happened, and all too aware that trying to get up by myself would be futile. So I just lay there and watched the horror on the faces of my other and my friends, as they knew they were about to take responsibility for me.

*PROUD MOMENT ALERT* I did not vomit on the ride home, which was especially important since it wasn’t my vehicle.

I made it into our hotel room somehow. I went to the bathroom to let the vomit out.

And somehow, some way, I still had feces in my bowels. Well, at least before the puking.

I may be the only non-elderly adult in history to poop his or her pants twice. And it’s not fair. I took precaution.

P.S. I do not get drunk anymore. But I have vomited since that day. Rest assured that I did so while sitting on the toilet. If I forget in the future, at least I’ll have another story to submit to this blog.

Coming Soon: An embarrassing story that hits close to home and features…um….meowing.

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4 Comments

Filed under Guest Post Series

4 responses to “Guest Post: Embarrassing Story #2

  1. Had a Hell of a time formatting this piece. Gave up and left the large gaps.

  2. Jenn

    I am sorry for you, but this is an awesome story. And I can assure you, nearly every adult man I know has pooped themselves at least 3 times. Apparently this is not at all uncommon. For men.

  3. Kira

    YES! Soooo embarrassing and hilarious.

  4. Kath

    Jenn is correct. It’s not uncommon — for men.

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